My Story
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At 19 years of age, I unknowingly walked into a world that I quickly learned I could never escape alone. Barely walking down a long and very dark road through four inpatient treatment programs and literally countless hospital visits, I finally discovered that I COULD MAKE CHOICES that went against my anorexia and body hatred.
Today, I can honestly tell you, ‘I am recovered.’
It (anorexia) is a self hatred and body war so destructive in mind, body, soul and spirit that I would not wish on my worst enemy.
It is true; today I wake up every single morning and embrace life, remembering I conquered the fight.
I make a conscious CHOICE to nurture and heal my body every day, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It is a journey, not a destination.
I make a choice to sit through every meal, without my hunger sense I had lost due to the damage I caused during my 14 years of self destruction, knowing I am respecting the body given to me by offering it what it needs.
And choose life is exactly what I do. I embrace a future daily. I embrace JOY!
But, it is and will always be a journey. I ask people to think about that before even trying to compare to my story as to justify and further their own destructive eating behaviors. That is not what I am about or what Find Your Voice Project will ever be about. I will walk with you, but not in front of you.
Where did it begin? A recent high school graduate at the time, I was unhappy with myself. It was that simple. I did not take the college route as my friends. I had no direction, no goals and the worst of all, no sense of self or worth. Having the most prominent influence in my life at the time being the media, I searched for answers through them. I quickly believed if I lost weight and changed my appearance, I would be able to make new friends and perhaps have a life escaping the loneliness and depression I had been living in day after day. After all, when I turned on the television, went to the movies or read countless magazines with self-help fix it articles, all I ever saw were these beautiful perfect women who 'had it all.’ I thought this was the answer.
It began as a simple diet. cutting my calories, eating better, exercising and I buying a scale, or my EVIL as I call it, for it destroyed and ruled my life from that very day.
THREE months into the diet journey, while constant compliments from others about my new look fed me, I fell victim to Anorexia. It was no longer a choice, but a full blown illness. It was no longer about what the media said about me or anyone else, it went deeper than one could comprehend. It only took three months!
I went from dieting to extreme dieting. I went from a little exercise to obsessive exercise in the middle of the night in pouring down thunder storms. Nothing stopped the desperate and sick need to rid my body of calories. I would own multiple scales having lost all sense of trust and I would not stop until I reached the 'number' that I know today does not exist. It was never low enough.
No reflection in the mirror, store windows, car doors was perfect enough. I wanted popularity, and soon only new isolation. Ritual, blacked out parts of my life, emergency rooms and scales were my only friends.
I hit a wall shortly after hitting my lowest weight. My worst nightmare struck. I woke up one morning hungry, a sense I managed to push down prior. Panic stricken, I went back to the media to find another solution. They 'helped' me once; they had to help me now. And without fail to a faulty news world, a television news segment done poorly on Bulimia making it look even more attractive to a needy eye such as my own, sadly gave me a new false 'hope'. All that I saw was how I could have my cake and eat it too, introducing me to a new and bitter hell.
On that day having been starving for countless weeks, I binged until I could put no more food into my weak and worn frame. It was the FIRST time I tried Bulimia. In shear terror of calories being digested and fat growing on my body, I tore my esophagus after a violent attempt at purging. It didn't stop me.
I was desperate. I was out of control. I began a new pattern, weeks of starving through days of binging and purging. At my worst moments, unspeakable amounts a day I put my body through this horrid ritual destroying my physical being in ways determined later.
I actually stopped one day to say ‘thank you’ to the television thinking this was helping me. Can you imagine such loathing for one’s own self?
What did I gain from that ‘simple’ diet? It is more like what did I lose. In the years that passed, I lost countless apartments, my once in a lifetime dream education, thousands of dollars, countless friendships, went from one job to the next, trashed the trust of anyone in my life, brutally damaging and scarring my health being told I took away any chance to have a child of my own, survived a heart attack and lost years. FOURTEEN years to be exact.
There is so much more to this story that cannot be written here.
I am here today because 'someone' helped me Find My Voice. It only took fourteen years, the depths of hell and destruction of my health and life.
I am here today because 'someone' took the time to care; 'someone' didn't think I was as worthless as I did. ‘Someone’ never turned his back on me when everyone else had left.
‘Someone’ challenged me to find my voice and accept their love. Love, that simple.
I am here today because 'someone' thought I could DO something in this life.
The 'someone' who took the time on me taught me it was time that I took the time on others; daughters, sons, wives, husbands, friends, brothers or sisters.
This is not easy for me. I had hoped to put it all behind me. But if there is one thing I believe with all my heart, it's that there is always a positive in EVERY negative.
I BELIEVE IN RECOVERED TODAY. I believe in acceptance at every size, love of every person with the unique and beautiful spirit that resides in EACH of us without a doubt!
My life is said to be a miracle.
Today, I want to share my gratitude with those who are walking the road I had, for their lives are just as much a miracle and just as precious as mine.
As someone held my hand, I want to hold others. Together we CAN make a difference.
(You can read more soon in my book, Finding My Voice.)
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